one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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