There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
