Don't make out with my wife yet
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
