I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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