So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
false alarm. still invincible.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
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I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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