I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
