dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The beer is more important than you right now.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
