Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
worst night to have a conscience
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
tell me about the eggs
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
