She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's rum buckets o'clock
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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