I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
