hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
