My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
