he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
