I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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