I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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