There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
