I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Randomize
