yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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