I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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