I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
