Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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