i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
