On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Less talking, more tequila
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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