ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
