I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
is wine microwaveable?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
