were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
