every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
