It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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