I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
