i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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