dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
