I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
