By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Me too!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
