just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
