My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
