I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
