we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
