Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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