I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
