Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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