I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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