the condom got lost in my hair
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
