sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's blow job season.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
