after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Your cock deserves a montage
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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