I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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