i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
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she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
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It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.