Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
