Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
