there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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