Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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