kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
