I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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