I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
