You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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