The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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