We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
