Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
